Maddie

Today Lucinda offered to pick up Ben to take him to the bus stop. A blessing to me so I didn't have to wake up Jacob and dress everyone and take them out in the cold weather. My thermometer says it is 40 degrees right now. They left their house, I waited three minutes and then told Maddie (eating her cereal at the breakfast table) that I was taking Ben out to Anthony for the bus. I walked Ben out the front door about ten steps to where I could see Anthony and his mom approaching. Waited until he met up with them and they turned toward the bus stop and headed back into the house, closed and locked the deadbolt on the front door. Maddie was still eating. I rustled around a few papers and junk on the counter near her and grabbed a load to put away upstairs and headed up. From upstairs I could hear Maddie jabbering and singing "I Am Like A Star" happily to herself. I started cleaning and sorting a pile of odds and ends on the floor in my room and keeping an ear open to hear Jacob's stirrings so we could get him breakfast and be ready for preschool. Eventually I heard her put the bowl on the counter. The familiar clink of the bathroom door open. Stool scraping across the floor as she moved it into position at the bathroom counter so she could wash her hands. Then it was more or less quiet. Great. She's playing in the water. I hope it isn't too big of a mess was all I could think. After about five minutes, I started thinking I ought to check on her soon, but she must really be having a grand old time. How much foamy soap will be on the counter? Before I got the chance to go downstairs, I heard the doorbell ring. Weird. Who would come over this early? I saw through the glass a neighbor that lives a bit away. She only speaks Spanish and I see her at the bus stop when I do walk Ben up but we don't talk much. Then I open the door and see Maddie perched on her hip. She is on her cell phone with someone and telling them that I am here and I answered the door. She's talking to our next door neighbor describing who Maddie is and getting directions to my house because she doesn't know where I live but recognizes Maddie. She found Maddie walking the street on Zion drive at the bus stop on the busy road at the edge of our neighborhood and crying. She watched for me but I never came. Then Maddie started walking farther down the street alone. She had no coat. It was barely 40 degrees. Her hands were like ice. She had a single tear on her face. I feel like pond scum. How could she get out? Why would she leave? What was she thinking to walk to the bus stop alone? Did she not see me come back inside to the kitchen for a few minutes with her? She knows I won't ever leave her alone at home. Am I sending mixed messages by walking ten steps outside the door without her joining me? How do I help her understand what to do and what not to do? How do you explain to the neighbor I'm not a negligent mother? Maddie must have left immediately after washing her hands for her to have got that far and back so quickly but I never heard anything. I'm so MAD at her. She knows better and yet she doesn't. She's three. She needs my love. We sit on the couch for an eternity. She won't talk. Not a single word. No tears. Nothing. She's frozen emotionally. Doesn't want anything. Doesn't move an inch. Just sits in my arms as I silently cry my tears into her soft hair asking questions she won't answer and telling her how I feel with no signs of any response. Finally she tells me she was just going to find me at the bus stop because she finished her breakfast. Logical to a three year old. Do what mom asks (eat, clean up) then be independent and go find mom, after all, you know where she is and how to get there. How do you show love in that situation and still scare them straight so they never leave again? Which do they need more? Preschool started five minutes ago. She's upstairs watching Dora in my bed while I feed Jacob breakfast. She needs to be home now for a little longer. To feel safe. Then we'll head out and begin our regularly scheduled program. Like nothing scary happened this morning.