Seven Bens

"I wish there were seven Bens."

"Why?"

Pointing to his morning job caterpillar chart, "Cause then I could just do this eating one and the rest of the Bens could do the other jobs up to here (pointing at the end of the caterpillar) and then I'd just be ready for school."

Madilyn

All day today Maddie has been telling us that her real name is Madilyn. This could cause some real confusion later. It's not like she chose to be Sally or Jane that is totally different. Her name is Madison, nickname Maddie. Maddie is also a nickname for Madilyn. She's really gonna screw people up with this. Even when Brian called tonight, first thing she said, "Hi Dad! You can just call me Madilyn for short."

Maddie

Today Lucinda offered to pick up Ben to take him to the bus stop. A blessing to me so I didn't have to wake up Jacob and dress everyone and take them out in the cold weather. My thermometer says it is 40 degrees right now. They left their house, I waited three minutes and then told Maddie (eating her cereal at the breakfast table) that I was taking Ben out to Anthony for the bus. I walked Ben out the front door about ten steps to where I could see Anthony and his mom approaching. Waited until he met up with them and they turned toward the bus stop and headed back into the house, closed and locked the deadbolt on the front door. Maddie was still eating. I rustled around a few papers and junk on the counter near her and grabbed a load to put away upstairs and headed up. From upstairs I could hear Maddie jabbering and singing "I Am Like A Star" happily to herself. I started cleaning and sorting a pile of odds and ends on the floor in my room and keeping an ear open to hear Jacob's stirrings so we could get him breakfast and be ready for preschool. Eventually I heard her put the bowl on the counter. The familiar clink of the bathroom door open. Stool scraping across the floor as she moved it into position at the bathroom counter so she could wash her hands. Then it was more or less quiet. Great. She's playing in the water. I hope it isn't too big of a mess was all I could think. After about five minutes, I started thinking I ought to check on her soon, but she must really be having a grand old time. How much foamy soap will be on the counter? Before I got the chance to go downstairs, I heard the doorbell ring. Weird. Who would come over this early? I saw through the glass a neighbor that lives a bit away. She only speaks Spanish and I see her at the bus stop when I do walk Ben up but we don't talk much. Then I open the door and see Maddie perched on her hip. She is on her cell phone with someone and telling them that I am here and I answered the door. She's talking to our next door neighbor describing who Maddie is and getting directions to my house because she doesn't know where I live but recognizes Maddie. She found Maddie walking the street on Zion drive at the bus stop on the busy road at the edge of our neighborhood and crying. She watched for me but I never came. Then Maddie started walking farther down the street alone. She had no coat. It was barely 40 degrees. Her hands were like ice. She had a single tear on her face. I feel like pond scum. How could she get out? Why would she leave? What was she thinking to walk to the bus stop alone? Did she not see me come back inside to the kitchen for a few minutes with her? She knows I won't ever leave her alone at home. Am I sending mixed messages by walking ten steps outside the door without her joining me? How do I help her understand what to do and what not to do? How do you explain to the neighbor I'm not a negligent mother? Maddie must have left immediately after washing her hands for her to have got that far and back so quickly but I never heard anything. I'm so MAD at her. She knows better and yet she doesn't. She's three. She needs my love. We sit on the couch for an eternity. She won't talk. Not a single word. No tears. Nothing. She's frozen emotionally. Doesn't want anything. Doesn't move an inch. Just sits in my arms as I silently cry my tears into her soft hair asking questions she won't answer and telling her how I feel with no signs of any response. Finally she tells me she was just going to find me at the bus stop because she finished her breakfast. Logical to a three year old. Do what mom asks (eat, clean up) then be independent and go find mom, after all, you know where she is and how to get there. How do you show love in that situation and still scare them straight so they never leave again? Which do they need more? Preschool started five minutes ago. She's upstairs watching Dora in my bed while I feed Jacob breakfast. She needs to be home now for a little longer. To feel safe. Then we'll head out and begin our regularly scheduled program. Like nothing scary happened this morning.

Happy Birthday Maddie Mae, From Your Rotten Mommy

It isn't like I didn't make a cake for Maddie's birthday. It's just that her birthday was on the first day of Joy School. And I taught. And it was a lot of work to get all the supplies ready for the lesson that day and get the entire year organized. And I was still figuring out how to juggle kindergarten bus stop pickups and infant nap time. I made the cake. The day before her birthday in fact. I just didn't get it frosted. Or decorated. I suppose my desire to be a cake decorator has lead to high expectations of myself. I wanted to try a new medium. Fondant. She wanted a princess castle. Perfect match. Maddie's low expectations - Simple design - My zero skills with fondant.

Turns out the box of fondant scared me. It looked at me and stared at me and glared at me and taunted me to open it up and try it. I was scared. I was weak. I didn't open it. In fact it's still sitting on the counter today all the way on November 2. Long past the day I had to throw out the original birthday cake because it was covered in mold in the giant cake Tupperware that had to be decontaminated for bio hazard reasons. Long past the time I made a second cake, frosted it in plain white and shook a plastic container of colored sugar sprinkles across the top and drew a little "3" with black icing. She had been asking me and mentioned twice to other people that she didn't get a cake for her birthday. Yeah, she's old enough I can't fudge stuff anymore.

Five weeks later, she asked at a time I didn't have anything completely pressing that needed attention or the world would end. When she asked me point blank why she didn't get a cake for the third time I dropped everything and said, "Let's make your birthday cake together right now!" The smile stretched from ear to ear and maybe even a little farther. She didn't care that it wasn't her birthday. She didn't care that I was no longer under the delusion of making a gorgeous princess castle sculpted with fondant. She just knew that I loved her enough to make her a cake. She lasted all of thirty seconds in her helping, but we had cake that night. She felt like a million bucks.

Just to set the record straight before I start getting hate mail, we did celebrate her birthday on her birthday. We had a party at preschool that day when I taught. I made cup cakes to her exacting demands on decorations. We sang. She blew out candles and had fun together with 15 people in the house. Brian came home from work early so I we could go to Chuck E. Cheese and live it up. She had a blast and by the time we got back to the house it was all I could do to crawl into bed with the flu. You know you feel bad when you are standing at Chuck E. Cheese and want to lay down on the greasy bench or the filthy carpet if need be and sleep as tears start to slip down your face from the body aches. We went home, opened presents and Brian basically put the kids to bed alone. I couldn't have eaten cake that day anyway. So we did celebrate. I gave it all I had. In the end, she just really, really needed a cake. And a cake she got...five weeks late.

This is one of her favorite presents. She was elated to dress up the next day as Cinderella.

If You Could Extend a Calling to Mickey Mouse, What Would You Ask Him to Do?

After the lip sync on Saturday night, President Weber asked Brian if he could take our family picture all dressed up and oh yeah, after that can he please have a chat with us. Uh oh. Brian came to find me cleaning up our room from the carnival games and tell me they wanted me to do something for girls camp this summer. I was confused. A chat with the boss man means you're in charge. I can't be in charge. You'd just have to understand how the hierarchy of camp goes. It entails long term commitments over four years, etc, etc. I already more or less told them it wouldn't work for me. Don't get me wrong. I told them I wanna go. I just can't be in charge. I have been actively involved and willing to help with about anything. Even certification. Yuck. Certification. After a while we had all our gear loaded in the car and went to find out what was our upcoming camp adventure. We do a fabulous photo shoot in the lobby and then head off to have our chat about 9pm with kids in arms. We have all three kids. We're in full costume as Mickey and Minnie Mouse. The kids all have balloons. Jacob's is on a three foot long stick. They are wired and cranky at the same time. Jacob displayed his newly mastered skill of walking and babbling loudly while we chat. He has his balloon on a stick and was whacking Pres Weber on the head almost the entire time we talked. Ben and Maddie Mae were crawling up and down on the other chairs and asking questions. President Weber then asks Brian to serve on the High Counsel. To my credit, I didn't laugh. I have a bad habit of laughing at times like that (Bishop Bradley asking me to be YW Pres and Pres Nelson asking Brian to serve in the Bishopric). Not for lack of faith in my sweetheart. It's just that old people do that job, right? Right? Old people. I thought one of the requirements to be on the high counsel was to have white hair. Anyway, who asks Mickey Mouse to have a leadership role in a church. He'll do a great job and will LOVE working with a spanish congregation again. He hasn't been able to use his spanish much at all here like in Houston. Down in Texas half our friends were from latin american countries and we spoke spanish all the time in our home. During our time in Virginia he has only been able to translate stake conference every six months. Not exactly immersed anymore. Anyway, it's my turn to support him in his busy calling so he can enjoy the blessings of service. He'll be awesome!

Zufelt Costume Emporium

The Zufelt Costume Emporium opened up again for another successful Halloween season. We loaned out the Flintstones and various witches and animals. Our family dressed as the Mickey and Minnie Mouse Crew. Recycled costumes for Brian and I back from before Ben was born but the kids were all new. We had fun, fun, fun dressing up as always. I was pleasantly pleased to be able to do a family theme again. I figured last year would be the last time I could impose my costume will upon my children. Fortunately, we went to Disneyland this year which got the kids all excited about Mickey and Minnie. Good luck for me.

This is what we wore to the lip sync. I got to be a judge of the competition. They had me be the mean one, like Simon on American Idol. If I had it to do over I would definitely opt out of a mean judge. Really, what's the point? Why should we have someone designated to be cruel and demeaning? It just isn't really needed. No value added. If you're fool enough to volunteer to be in a lip sync you shouldn't have to be beaten up afterwards. Our room at the carnival was a beanbag and ring toss game. Lots of kids came through. I think overall they enjoyed the fun. It was followed the next week by the traditional Trunk-or-Treat and a big wild carnival put on by the church youth for the little kids. Brian went as a wizard and manned the balloon animal station for the entire night. Even when the Trunk-or-Treat started in the parking lot the line remained. Kids were skipping the candy mother load in the parking lot for a little balloon. I had to take my kids around the parking lot on threat of death from them. By the time Brian finished the last balloon for the last patient kid, the Trunk-or-Treat was pretty much over and people were loading kids in their cars. Oh well. I suppose our donation to the cause was the balloons this year instead of candy. Dang. Guess I'll just have to eat it all. Ben brought his new little friend Connor from down the street. Turns out his family shares a private driveway with our friends the Roberts. The two boys are becoming great friends. They ride the bus together every day and play at recess and at free play time in school. The carnival was honestly a bit overwhelming. The gym was packed and noisier than I've ever hear it. Ben wasn't a very great host. He was so excited he kept running off alone. Poor Connor ended up asking to go home early. We were heading out the door when they announced that they'd start the Trunk-or-Treat in ten minutes. Not wanting him to miss the best part I hung out with him in the hall where things were a bit more relaxed until it was time to go out to the parking lot. Seemed to calm his anxiety and once we got outside again Ben was better at staying with his buddy. They had so much fun going from car to car. I was grateful the night ended on a high for him. Sugar high, yes, maybe, but a high just the same. The last of our celebrations was on Halloween night. We did a bit of trick-or-treating in our neighborhood. Since we live in townhouses, you get a lot of bang for your buck for lack of a better way of putting it. We didn't walk far at all and only half the houses had porch lights on, but they collected plenty of candy. Then it started raining so we headed home. Even though the rain was light and let up completely, once we got home we only had ONE group knock on our door. ONE. So like with the night before, we failed to hand out much candy at all. Over the lips and past the gums. Look out hips, here it comes. I love chocolate.

My Life

This is why I feel so ugh. Life has been busy since Ben started kindergarten. He has half day so I have no freedom. Morning shower while Ben gets ready for the bus stop with dad - 1 hr to feed Jacob and Maddie and get her to preschool and do ALL my errands - Jacob naps - pickup Maddie - arrive just in time to get Ben from the bus - make lunch for everyone - clean it up - negotiate with Maddie to use the potty and take her afternoon naps - boom...the day is over. I'm feeling a little stuck and am losing my patience after two months of stuck-ness. Maybe in Jan or Feb Jacob will shift to one a day naps. Can't believe I actually WANT that. I must have a screw loose. Never thought that would happen that I want a child to give up a nap. Isn't naptime supposed to be a mother's sanctuary? Not so right now. Naptime is just a series of three time intervals that never align with each other that are swapped between Jacob, Maddie then Jacob again that make me unable to leave the house or do anything fun and glorious that I need to do. You know, like grocery shopping.