Hello Brian,
You may have noticed I’m a little bit weird lately. Sorry about that. It’s just that when I’m overwhelmed, stressed out and unsure of what’s going on around me and in my own mind, I sort of shut down, even with you. I know you’re the one I should be sharing these things with the most, but right now I’m not always here, I’m inside myself trying to figure out little old me and understand what my new life is supposed to be. Hopefully I’ll be back soon.
I know you have often said in the last three years that you have to read my blog to know what is going on at your own house. For the next month or two you may want to keep doing that. I’ll be back soon enough, so know that I do love you. I’m so incredibly happy here. I’m glad we came. Not a day yet I’ve regretted it. I’m sure that day will come in a big typhoon of tears and girly emotion with a drippy, snotty nose and red puffy eyes, you know, the whole package.
I hope this helps explain just a little bit about why when you asked this morning where to catch the shuttle home from work I basically had no answer. I’ve done it about 7 times now and it’s easy, but I don’t know what road it’s on or how to describe it since there is construction and you have to go under the street then out into an island bus bay in the middle of the street to get on and look for this bus color or sometimes it will be that one that is totally unmarked. I hope it worked to point to it on the map. In any case you did come home tonight so I guess it was information enough that you found it. I just don’t always know how to say stuff and that makes me frustrated. I haven’t always got the mental capacity to explain that in a calm and collected manner. No excuses. I’m just a little bit messed up sometimes. And when you tried to ask about my day with genuine interest yesterday and I was near mute, I’m sorry. You tried to ask if I tried going to playgroup and if we took the bus or a taxi and what kinds of fun adventures we had and I couldn’t even look you in the eye but only muttered short and simple fact based answers it’s because I’m on overload. I’m not processing everything well all the time and I feel stupid about my mistakes and vulnerabilities. I hope telling you about it two hours later was okay. After twelve years, you may have noticed one of my defense mechanisms when I’m feeling vulnerable is to avoid eye contact. Bummer, too, because you have to most kind brown eyes. They are one of my favorite features and I’m glad you passed them on to Ben.
Maybe it’s best said this way, you know, in your language. I feel like I’m on delayed response, like a computer locked up when you ask it to send an email with an attachment that is just too big. I know I lock up, but if you’re just patient, I’ll come back just like the computer always does. You’ve been great to me. I hope I’m supporting you too. I really am happy here. And I’m glad we’re here together because, well, “we’re uh-possed to be together” if you know what I mean. Wink, wink. I love you.
Ang
